Five Years, No Baby and It's Fine

I have to be in control. So much so that I run a tight timeline for my life. After college, I knew what I wanted and when I wanted it. Get a job with in three months. Done. Move to a different position every 2-3 years, done. Get married at 27, I married within two weeks of my 28th birthday, a couple of weeks short of my target (I scared Jaysen into marrying me!). Next milestone is to have a baby (or two) before I turn 30. By then, I knew I was running on a tight schedule but no one warned me that getting pregnant was going to be a monumental task. I thought it was natural progression. :) Six months later, still no sign of the stork and I was rushing for an appointment with my fertility ob-gyn. After what seemed like endless appointments, several tests, and countless needles, we were declared "normal". Whew! Thank goodness we're not aliens! :) Things became more confused. We are "normal" but can't conceive. We were put on a regimen which involved more visits to the doctor, needles, and pills and was advised to "take it easy". A year passed, and still no baby. Apparently, after one year of trying to conceive with no success you will be diagnosed as having "primary infertility". These labels are really killing me! This does not fit in my plan. I have little wiggle room for delays. As you can imagine, tears became regular, frustration build up and vented out at each other. We became unhappy. Those well-intentioned, unrequited (often tactless i.e You better get busy) advice does not help, you guys!

So, I took some time to really think about why I wanted to have a child at that time. It didn't take long for me to realize that my desire to have a child was really to measure up to the society's image of a "perfect" family. For a unit to be considered a "family" there has to be a male, female, and at least, a child (preferably cute and well-mannered). I was also looking forward to shopping for adorable little clothes and matching outfits, maybe throw a couple of themed parties as well. It became so much of an obsession that I knew exactly the crib that I wanted, the photographer I was going to hire for our first "family" photo, the caterer for the baptism, first birthday theme, etc. It's pathetic. So many of the people I know have been popping babies, that I felt I needed to keep up. There's also the curiosity whether our child would look more like Jaysen or me (me, I hope!), what kinds of books will he/she like, will he/she love math, all those things you wonder about. :) In the end, it's really about vanity. Like a child can be a prop so we can be "picture perfect".

A family of two humans and one canine :)
A family of two humans and one canine :)

At this time in our marriage, we take it as it is. There are days when it's perfectly fine and others when we wonder if we'll ever have a child. I worry that it might come late into our marriage. Jaysen always reminds me to have faith. Whatever God plans are, it's the perfect plan for us. He always reminds me of the story of Abraham and Sarah. To which my reply is always telling him that I don't think I can handle a child at 90. :) I'm no J.Lo and I don't think I can handle running after a toddler at 40 (I can hear my bones creak already). I am not saying we do not want to have a child anymore, but rather, we are okay whether we are a family of two or five. His will not ours. Now, I am more concerned of the huge responsibility IF we become parents. We will be accountable for another human being, that we have to disciple to him and model for him and make sure that he can bring positive and lasting impact to the people around him. If it is His will, He will equip us and provide for us so that we can be the best versions of ourselves.

These days we enjoy having late starts on weekends and spending what is left of the morning at the nearby coffee shop. I love spending late nights watching endless TV series with chips and ice cream. I am spared from the brutal scrutiny of the super-all-natural moms. I can be the most delinquent grocery shopper because we can just order delivery or live on a sandwich for the night. There are days when the most pressing concern is the dwindling dog food supply. I relish on the spontaneity of our weekends, when we can go on a trip without a reservation anywhere or even an overnight bag. Or how we can take long trips without constantly checking back home, maybe only once in a while to make sure the house hasn't burned down. Sure, we don't know the joy coming from having a child speak his first word. Or the pride when he aces his first quiz. Or the satisfaction when you see him grow into a wonderful person. We might never know these things and that's fine. That is what is wonderful about the whole thing. We can never really miss what we didn't have in the first place. There's beauty in the not knowing.